I know better. . .

Maybe you've seen it happen. The clock turning back, the flowers showing up, the snow melting? No? Well, you've certainly seen what happens when a young mage's fancy turns to thoughts of love, right?

Whoops, forgot. My mistake.

I'm That Pooka. That is my name. "What is a Pooka?" you ask? I dunno, we're only see-able by those we want to see us. So, frankly, I've not seen myself exactly for a long time. My mommy's a Gerbil. My daddy's a Wombat. The Webmaster thinks I'm his Guinea Pig. My fate is locked in the vault...along with just how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop and Walt Disney.

How easily I forget it.

I live in the Pooka-Place, an etherial plane of existance of which apartments float in the sky. Where the Pookas are pretty, the Pookettes are handsome, and all the little Pookalings are above-average. I am your furry-home-computer this article, typing from my apartment in the sky far above St. Louis. I just got a real e-mail address this month (the other articles have been updated.) and I would love it if you dropped me a line. Actually, it would be nicer if you persons would send me an E-mail. All six of you.

I would like to clear up that last month a guy got hit in the face with a bird. Now I'll add that the guy was riding a rollercoaster at the time. Even yet, I'll add that the bird was a goose. Now what would make this strange bit of news a sign of the Apocalypse? Well, the guy was Fabio. Welcome to a Gary Larson cartoon, Mr. Serling will take you to your seat. But why bring it up to you. Well, let's just say the future depended upon it.

Anyway, the subject of this month's article is gone. It seems my pet "ate" this month's column and I have to make due with a different one, I'm sorry.

And to serve justice, this month's article is about my new pet. Enjoy it as anyone, with furry paws who types funny, would.

I asked, "How much is that Phyrexian Walker in the Fast-Time Bubble?"
*Clang, Clang*
"The one with the waggily tail?" he inquired.
"No. The other one, the one clanging." I specified.
"Free. The stupid thing kept. . .eh. . .Here, take it, on the house, err, bubble." And he handed the cute little thing to me. He's a nice newt, huh?

I went to the local Books 'R' Plenty and bought a guide on raising Phyrexian Walkers, prepared to study it and teach it how to do tricks. It also had a list of traits most Walkers have.

The first day I took it home, it piddled in the corner. I consulted the book and found that they do it to mark territory. For the next week it kept piddling motor oil closer and closer to my Stereo System. One day it was nice and woke me up gently, guided me into the kitchen of my Apartment in the Pooka-Place and motioned toward the coffemaker, it had a full pot. I sat down, poured myself a cup and it watched me intently. I went and made it some breakfast before taking a sip, to show my gratitude, a saucer filled with Glistening Oil. I finally took a sip from my mug, as my Pet Walker watched, and spat the crud out. It had piddled in the coffee pot, and I knew it had done it on purpose because it began clicking and whirring madly while skittering across the tile floor. I gave it a thwack with a rolled-up Cursed Scroll.

Tenextingiwentabowtdoingwastechingithow to tipe and it was learning fast too I think that now I will let it do its own typing for awhile. Here it goes:

No, not closing, I am adjusting my eyes. Bad Walker! Bad Me!

Must think of new things to say, must type until thought enters little Phyrexian mind. Must start new paragraph.

Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.
Zero power and three toughness makes Phyrexian Walker a dull Artifact Creature.

Ow! Stop! Ow! Stop! Ow! Opw! You're malking me heit tihe worng keys!1 Ow! I'm going, OPw! MEanie!

Sorry about that folks. It's a good thing I forgot my car keys, otherwise something worth making a crappy remake of would have happened.

I decided it was time for it to learn how to communicate. So, opening the database of my computer, I let it download any of the files in my harddrive and out on the internet.

It saw a short JPEG of R2-D2 and decided it wanted digitalflatulence.wav files. So whenever someone comes to my apartment, the Walker scurries behind them and lets one rip. At least it has the strategic humor to point at someone else immediately afterwards.

I was having a problem, though. I can still have the Walker type things for me, but it won't let me get close to the computer without a threatening CLICK and slashing into the air with its feet. To show it meant business, it deleted this month's true article: Fabio, Rollercoasters and Geese: Is fate mad at male models?

The Webmaster says I should be thanking it.

Either it was being territorial or it had a crush on my computer. It took me awhile to figure out what to do about the new situation, but I eventually got the idea to lure it away with a picture of Jeri Ryan set next to its pet bed. However, I now have a little trouble getting it back over to the computer.

So this is what I have been doing all month, training my new pet Phyrexian Walker. I still need to get a name for it, since I accidently picked up a "The Big Book of Names for Baby Viashino" instead of one for Artifacts. I would like it if the viewing audience would send in an e-mail to pooka@phyrexia.com with a list of names. The best name will be revealed in next month's article.

Provided that my Walker doesn't delete it first...

After consulting the mystical, magical billard ball of the future (patent pending), these five CCG and Non-CCG related events were revealed:

1.) Urza's Destiny prerelease. Wow...didn't see that one coming.{c8
2.) The people responsible for those Khaki commercials decide NOT to release their latest advertising endeavors in America; Khaki Mosh-Pit, Khaki Polka, and Khaki Ritual of the Dancing Death, all of which were popular internationally.
3.) Fox television begins production on "When Animals Attack... Fabio," then realize it will be short-lived and Hire Jack Hanna for "some help."
4.) Weeks after the release of the new Magic: the Gathering Classic set, incited by the loss of several card abilities, a mob of veterans band together to form a rampaging group of tramplers and flankers. Wizards of the Coast will wait until these enraged players phase out.
5.) I travel to the planet Booger. Then I am elected Mayor of Boogertown. That can't be right.

Actually, I managed to go a month without offending anyone. Kudos for me!

So, I realize I wasn't able to offend anyone. I guess I'm going to have to apologize for not doing so. Oh Fippy, goddess of Irony!

I'm sorry all you people I did not offend. Are we still friends?

Now, if you are a girl, you get a hug.

If you are a guy, you get a handshake and a punch to the shoulder.